parents today want their

Guilt can make adult children less likely to want to engage with their parents. 5. Look after yourself. You're a valuable person in your own right, and in your senior years it's important to have a fulfilling life that doesn't center around your children. So try to develop interests of your own. Firstborns have been shown to be more conscientious, ambitious, academically oriented, conforming, conservative, inclined toward leadership, and respectful of their parents than their later-born siblings. Conversely, children born later in the birth order tend to be more unconventional, flexible, and rebellious (Sulloway, 1997, p. 5). TOKYO. One in three young Japanese women wants to get married and be a full-time housewife, a government survey has showed, despite growing calls for increased female participation in the workforce. The poll, which quizzed more than 3,000 people aged 15-39, found 34% of unmarried women did not want to work when they settled down. This permanent visa lets a parent move to Australia if more of their children live in Australia than any other country. The Department of Home Affairs acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of Country throughout Australia and their continuing connection to land, sea and community. We pay our respects to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Drawing on the federal government's monthly Current Population Survey, the Pew Report showed that 52% of 18-to-29-year-olds are currently living with their parents, up from 47% in February. The The Web's Most Popular Destination for Guidance on African American Marriage and Parenting. The Web's Most Popular Destination for Guidance on African American Marriage and Parenting Lessons learned from dating shows are actually helpful to those who care about love and how they show up in their relationship. You want to ensure that Atm Online Lừa Đảo. In August, Treasurer Scott Morrison warned that “Australia has a generation growing up expecting government handouts”. Researchers have labelled this the “Me Generation”. Some even say we are facing a “me, me, me epidemic”. So why have today’s young people become more narcissistic? According to research, the decrease in young people’s levels of empathy is partly the result of changes in parenting styles that came about in the 1980s. In the past, parents had children as a means to gain practical and even financial support for family survival and to help it thrive. But now, children are perceived as an emotional asset whose primary purpose is being loved. Parents now tend to place greater emphasis on cultivating the happiness and success of their offspring. What led to this change in parenting style? From the 1980s onwards, children have spent fewer hours doing chores around the house as living conditions and technology – including the invention of washing machines and dishwashers – have improved. Nowadays children are no longer perceived as contributors whose work is essential for the survival of the family and its ability to thrive. Parental focus has shifted from the development of family responsibility to the development of children’s happiness and success. As a result, children’s sense of entitlement has been inflated, but the cultivation of responsibility has fallen by the wayside. So chores are not valued as much as they used to be. This is particularly the case for young people in China, often labelled “little emperors” and “little princesses”, who were born under the one-child policy between 1979 and 2015. These children’s parents, most of whom had gone through hardship in China’s Great Famine and the Cultural Revolution, vowed not to allow what they had suffered to happen to their only child. They became overwhelmingly dedicated to their child, which resulted in many children shouldering no family responsibilities, including chores. It is also the case for children in the West. Research has found that less than 30% of American parents ask their children to do chores. As academic Richard Rende said in his book Raising Can-Do Kids “Parents today want their kids spending time on things that can bring them success, but ironically, we’ve stopped doing one thing that’s actually been a proven predictor of success — and that’s household chores.” How responsibility can develop a family bond Traditionally, chores were a family obligation. They were hard and tedious. But research suggests engaging in routine chores helps children to develop a sense of social justice, because everyone has to do them, which inculcates the idea of fairness. Chores can also provide a vehicle for children to cultivate a family bond and a sense of responsibility. The development of social justice in children means that children view their relationship with their parents as a two-way thing, rather than it being one-sided. A family bond has two interacted dimensions that parents love their children and that children are grateful for the sacrifices their parents made. For the latter, only through moral reasoning and, more importantly, discipline chores can parental love be translated into practice and mutual love between parents and children and a family bond be developed. Source pexels Stuff. No matter how valuable, how beautiful, how family-historic, or how meaningful some of our “stuff” is, most millennials don’t want it. To them, a set of china, crystal, sterling flatware, our grandmother’s tea service, or that cherished dining set with the matching hutch are things they not only politely refuse to take on, but will also have to deal with getting rid of when we’re gone. It’s interesting to think first about why we, as boomers, put so much value on it, and then turn around and wonder why our kids don’t. In my mind, there is a psychology built on what each generation considers important, making it easier to judge one another instead of understanding the reasoning. Women in my age range tsk-tsk at how their children’s generation would readily haul off their parents’ valuables to a thrift store after they’re gone instead of displaying it, treasuring it, and telling the stories behind it to the next generation. But I get it. I really do. My war-generation parents loved to share their belongings with grace. They threw formal cocktail parties and had elaborate dinners with elegantly-set tables on lovely furniture, leaving nothing to chance — with attention paid right down to the last butter knife, wine decanter, coffee cup and saucer, and dessert plate sitting on a nearby breakfront, poised to be placed on the table the moment the main course was finished. Our house was spotless, with all beds made to perfection just in case a guest wanted a tour. And no, my family was not wealthy. They were formed from the stereotypical single-income, middle- class that no longer exists — the one that took great took pride in owning at least one car, taking yearly 2-week vacations, and entertaining their friends and family at any time of year. Frugality was a learned art for them. Lights were turned off when not in use. Saturday was “bath” night. Rubber bands were collected, foil was washed and re-used, and mothers regularly lost their voices yelling out windows to get their kids home by dark. Planning a dinner party was not for the purposes of showing off; it was, rather, for “treating” their guests, and most of the time there was an unspoken sense of reciprocation that went along with it. I would hear the "company" say, “It’s our turn to have you over next!” as the lipsticked wives donned their perfumed coats and white gloves to head out the door after an evening of alcohol, bad jokes, dinner, music, and laughter. Enter the boomers — their now-grown kids. The ones told not to touch the hors d'oeuvres or dessert and sent to bed early so "adulting" could take place. While deeply appreciating what our parents’ generation handed us as well as their wartime or immigrant sacrifices, we may have begun our married lives trying to emulate our entertaining parents with the best of intentions. But by the time we grew up, things had changed. Boomer moms were more educated and career-oriented, having more options than any generation of women before them. Having the kind of "lifestyle" we sought required two incomes. No longer were there weeks on end to prepare for a fancy night of entertaining. Those were reserved for holidays only. Our own kids noticed sets of dishes, crystal, and flatware were brought out only rarely, knowing the rest of the year they took up recesses in closets, cabinets, and labeled boxes. As a young adult, I came to the conclusion that I no longer needed to try to be my own saintly mother — even worse — I knew could never come close to the kind of domestically-proud woman she was anyway. While she gazed lovingly at the lit-up contents of her china cabinet, I wondered why we had to have a department store window in our dining room — a place that was simply kept dusted all the time and rarely used as she got older. And when I got into my 50s, long after Mom was gone, I sold my own china cabinet. My dinnerware all got shoved into a cabinet underneath our stairs — accessible but no longer featured. While I enjoy entertaining, I stopped using my china and silver wedding gifts from long, long ago and began opting for the fun Crate & Barrel stuff with Pier 1 linens. Guests seemed more at ease with less dressy place settings, and I was gung-ho to make them feel comfortable, as they arrived in casual clothing greeted by their hosts sporting the same look. Now? I am still hanging on to a few items I truly love, but recently I snapped smartphone photos of the objects or collections I am willing to let go of, asking my daughter about her level of interest in any of it. “I already have an obscene amount of STUFF,” she told me. And while I know she cherishes a few odds and ends from my mom a pair of mid-century modern loveseats, for instance, there is really nothing of mine she wants. Millennials tend to be minimalists. Formal dining rooms are not a requirement. And they’re happy to use their everyday plates to serve their “hang-out” guests. Chicago Tribune’s Denise Crosby, writing about succeeding generations, says, “Auctioneers and appraisers, junk haulers and moving companies all seem to be echoing the same thing The market is flooded with baby boomer rejects. And they cite a number of reasons our kids are turning down the possessions we so generously offer to them. They rent rather than own, live in smaller spaces, collect more digital than physical items, and tend to put their money toward experiences rather than things.” I made the decision, therefore, to sell some of my things and use the money for our next big trip, whenever the world is ready to let us travel again. There are sites like eBay, Craigslist, Facebook Marketplaces, and tons of silver and china-buying venues happy to share in the profit. While I once thought of passing down things to my daughter, I realized that all I would be doing at this point is burdening her with a collection of things she will either need to find a home for or bequeath to a thrift store. And I feel no resentment about it whatsoever, because what she values is not the physical things that I possess. She values who I am. And, someday — who I was. So I regularly contribute chapters to my own life memoir as much of it as I can recall so that she and any future generations might know something about me they never have been otherwise privy to. It is my gift to her. Somehow, I know that is more valuable than a crystal goblet. Facebook image Elena Elisseeva/Shutterstock For the latest data on parenting in America, see “Parenting in America Today” January 2023. Contemporary debates about parenthood often focus on parenting philosophies Are kids better off with helicopter parents or a free-range approach? What’s more beneficial in the long run, the high expectations of a tiger mom or the nurturing environment where every child is a winner? Is overscheduling going to damage a child or help the child get into a good college? While these debates may resonate with some parents, they often overlook the more basic, fundamental challenges many parents face – particularly those with lower incomes. A broad, demographically based look at the landscape of American families reveals stark parenting divides linked less to philosophies or values and more to economic circumstances and changing family structure. A new Pew Research Center survey conducted Sept. 15-Oct. 13, 2015, among 1,807 parents with children younger than 18 finds that for lower-income parents, financial instability can limit their children’s access to a safe environment and to the kinds of enrichment activities that affluent parents may take for granted. For example, higher-income parents are nearly twice as likely as lower-income parents to rate their neighborhood as an “excellent” or “very good” place to raise kids 78% vs. 42%. On the flip side, a third of parents with annual family incomes less than $30,000 say that their neighborhood is only a “fair” or “poor” place to raise kids; just 7% of parents with incomes in excess of $75,000 give their neighborhood similarly low ratings. Along with more negative ratings of their neighborhoods, lower-income parents are more likely than those with higher incomes to express concerns about their children being victims of violence. At least half of parents with family incomes less than $30,000 say they worry that their child or children might be kidnapped 59% or get beat up or attacked 55%, shares that are at least 15 percentage points higher than among parents with incomes above $75,000. And about half 47% of these lower-income parents worry that their children might be shot at some point, more than double the share among higher-income parents. Concerns about teenage pregnancy and legal trouble are also more prevalent among lower-income parents. Half of lower-income parents worry that their child or one of their children will get pregnant or get a girl pregnant as a teenager, compared with 43% of higher-income parents. And, by a margin of 2-to-1, more lower-income than higher-income parents 40% vs. 21% say they worry that their children will get in trouble with the law at some point. There are some worries, though, that are shared across income groups. At least half of all parents, regardless of income, worry that their children might be bullied or struggle with anxiety or depression at some point. For parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher, these concerns trump all others tested in the survey. The survey also finds that lower-income parents with school-age children face more challenges than those with higher incomes when it comes to finding affordable, high-quality after-school activities and programs. About half 52% of those with annual family incomes less than $30,000 say these programs are hard to find in their community, compared with 29% of those with incomes of $75,000 or higher. And when it comes to the extracurricular activities in which their children participate after school or on weekends, far more higher-income parents than lower-income parents say their children are engaged in sports or organizations such as the scouts or take lessons in music, dance or art. For example, among high-income parents, 84% say their children have participated in sports in the 12 months prior to the survey; this compares with 59% among lower-income parents. The link between family structure and financial circumstances The dramatic changes that have taken place in family living arrangements have no doubt contributed to the growing share of children living at the economic margins. In 2014, 62% of children younger than 18 lived in a household with two married parents – a historic low, according to a new Pew Research Center analysis of data from the Census Bureau. The share of kids living with only one parent stood at 26% in 2014. And the share in households with two parents who are living together but not married 7% has risen steadily in recent These patterns differ sharply across racial and ethnic groups. Large majorities of white 72% and Asian-American 82% children are living with two married parents, as are 55% of Hispanic children. By contrast only 31% of black children are living with two married parents, while more than half 54% are living in a single-parent household. The economic outcomes for these different types of families vary dramatically. In 2014, 31% of children living in single-parent households were living below the poverty line, as were 21% of children living with two cohabiting By contrast, only one-in-ten children living with two married parents were in this circumstance. In fact, more than half 57% of those living with married parents were in households with incomes at least 200% above the poverty line, compared with just 21% of those living in single-parent households. Most parents say they’re doing a good job raising their kids Across income groups, however, parents agree on one thing They’re doing a fine job raising their children. Nearly identical shares of parents with incomes of $75,000 or higher 46%, $30,000 to $74,999 44% and less than $30,000 46% say they are doing a very good job as parents, and similar shares say they are doing a good job. Though parental scorecards don’t differ by income, they do vary across other demographic divides, such as gender and generation. Among all parents, more mothers than fathers say they are doing a very good job raising their children 51% vs. 39%, and Millennial mothers are particularly inclined to rate themselves positively. Nearly six-in-ten 57% moms ages 18 to 34 say they are doing a very good job as a parent, a higher share than Millennial dads 43% or any other generational group. Regardless of how they see themselves, parents care a lot about how others perceive their parenting skills. For married or cohabiting parents, the opinion of their spouse or partner matters the most 93% of these parents say it matters a lot to them that their spouse or partner sees them as a good parent. But most single parents 56% also say they care a lot that their child’s other parent sees them as a good parent. About seven-in-ten 72% parents want their own parents to think they are doing a good job raising their children, and smaller but substantive shares care a lot that their friends 52% and people in their community 45% see them as good parents. Parents are nearly evenly divided about whether their children’s successes and failures are more a reflection of how they are doing as parents 46% or of their children’s own strengths and weaknesses 42%. Parents of younger children feel more personally responsible for their children’s achievements or lack thereof, while parents of teenagers are much more likely to say that it’s their children who are mainly responsible for their own successes and failures. There are significant differences along racial lines as well, with black and Hispanic parents much more likely than whites to say their children’s successes and failures are mainly a reflection of the job they are doing as parents. Mothers are more overprotective than fathers About six-in-ten parents 62% say they can sometimes be overprotective, while just a quarter say they tend to give their children too much freedom. More also say they criticize their kids too much than say they offer too much praise 44% vs. 33%. American parents are more divided on whether they sometimes “stick to their guns” too much or give in too quickly 43% each. In several key ways, mothers and fathers approach parenting differently. Mothers are more likely than fathers to say that they sometimes are overprotective of their children, give in too quickly and praise their children too much. Mothers also have more extensive support networks that they rely on for advice about parenting. They’re much more likely than fathers to turn to family members and friends and to take advantage of parenting resources such as books, magazines and online sources. For example, while 43% of moms say they turn to parenting websites, books or magazines at least sometimes for parenting advice, about a quarter 23% of dads do the same. And moms are more than twice as likely as dads to say they at least occasionally turn to online message boards, listservs or social media for advice on parenting 21% vs. 9%. In at least one key area gender does not make a difference mothers and fathers are equally likely to say that being a parent is extremely important to their overall identity. About six-in-ten moms 58% and dads 57% say this, and an additional 35% and 37%, respectively, say being a parent is very important to their overall identity. Parental involvement – how much is too much? The survey findings, which touch on different aspects of parenting and family life, paint a mixed portrait of American parents when it comes to their involvement in their children’s education. About half 53% of those with school-age children say they are satisfied with their level of engagement, but a substantial share 46% wish they could be doing more. And while parents generally don’t think children should feel badly about getting poor grades as long as they try hard, about half 52% say they would be very disappointed if their children were average students. A narrow majority of parents 54% say parents can never be too involved in their children’s education. But about four-in-ten 43% say too much parental involvement in a child’s education can be a bad thing, a view that is particularly common among parents with more education and higher incomes. For example, while majorities of parents with a post-graduate 65% or a bachelor’s 57% degree say too much involvement could have negative consequences, just 38% of those with some college and 28% with no college experience say the same. Black and Hispanic parents have a much different reaction to this question than do white parents, even after controlling for differences in educational attainment. Fully 75% of black and 67% of Hispanic parents say a parent can never be too involved in a child’s education. About half of white parents 47% agree. Whether or not they feel too much involvement can be a bad thing, a majority of parents are involved – at least to some extent – in their children’s education. Among parents with school-age children, 85% say they have talked to a teacher about their children’s progress in school over the 12 months leading up to the survey. Roughly two-thirds 64% say they have attended a PTA meeting or other special school meeting. And 60% have helped out with a special project or class trip at their children’s school. Parents’ level of engagement in these activities is fairly consistent across income groups. Reading aloud is one way parents can get involved in their children’s education even before formal schooling begins. Among parents with children under the age of 6, about half 51% say they read aloud to their children every day, and those who have graduated from college are far more likely than those who have not to say this is the case. About seven-in-ten 71% parents with a bachelor’s degree say they read to their young children every day, compared with 47% of those with some college and 33% of those with a high school diploma or less. Kids are busy, and so are their parents American children – including preschoolers – participate in a variety of extracurricular activities. At least half of parents with school-age children say their kids have played sports 73%, participated in religious instruction or youth groups 60%, taken lessons in music, dance or art 54% or done volunteer work 53% after school or on the weekends in the 12 months preceding the survey. Among those with children younger than 6, four-in-ten say their young children have participated in sports, and about as many say they have been part of an organized play group; one-third say their children have taken music, dance or art lessons. Parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher are far more likely than those with lower incomes to say their children have participated in extracurricular activities. For parents with school-age children, the difference is particularly pronounced when it comes to doing volunteer work a 27 percentage point difference between those with incomes of $75,000 or higher and those with incomes less than $30,000, participating in sports 25 points, and taking music, dance or art lessons 21 points. Similarly, by double-digit margins, higher-income parents with children younger than 6 are more likely than those with lower incomes to say their young children have participated in sports or taken dance, music or art lessons in the 12 months prior to the survey. Parents with higher incomes are also more likely to say their children’s day-to-day schedules are too hectic with too many things to do. Overall, 15% of parents with children between ages 6 and 17 describe their kids’ schedules this way. Among those with incomes of $75,000 or higher, one-in-five say their children’s schedules are too hectic, compared with 8% of those who earn less than $30,000. But if kids are busy, their parents are even busier. About three-in-ten 31% parents say they always feel rushed, even to do the things they have to do, and an additional 53% say they sometimes feel rushed. Not surprisingly, parents who feel rushed at least sometimes are more likely than those who almost never feel rushed to see parenting as tiring and stressful and less likely to see it as enjoyable all of the time. Spanking is an unpopular form of discipline, but one-in-six use it at least sometimes Parents employ many methods to discipline their children. The most popular is explaining why a child’s behavior is inappropriate three-quarters say they do this often. About four-in-ten 43% say they frequently take away privileges, such as time with friends or use of TV or other electronic devices, and a roughly equal share say they give a “timeout” 41% of parents with children younger than 6 as a form of discipline, while about one-in-five 22% say they often resort to raising their voice or yelling. Spanking is the least commonly used method of discipline – just 4% of parents say they do it often. But one-in-six parents say they spank their children at least some of the time as a way to discipline them. Black parents 32% are more likely than white 14% and Hispanic 19% parents to say they sometimes spank their children and are far less likely to say they never resort to spanking 31% vs. 55% and 58%, respectively. Spanking is also correlated with educational attainment. About one-in-five 22% parents with a high school diploma or less say they use spanking as a method of discipline at least some of the time, as do 18% of parents with some college and 15% of parents with a bachelor’s degree. In contrast, just 8% of parents with a post-graduate degree say they often or sometimes spank their children. Parental worries differ sharply by race, ethnicity In addition to the economic gaps that underlie parents’ worries about the safety and well-being of their children, wide racial gaps exist on a few key items. White parents are far more likely than black parents to worry that their kids might struggle with anxiety or depression 58% vs. 35% or that they might have problems with drugs or alcohol 40% vs. 23%. Black parents, in turn, worry more than white parents do that their children might get shot at some point. About four-in-ten 39% black parents say this is a concern, compared with about one-in-five 22% white parents. And this difference persists even when looking at white and black parents who live in urban areas, where there is more concern about shootings. On each of these items and others tested in the survey, Hispanic parents are more likely than white and black parents to express concern. These differences are driven, at least in part, by high levels of concern among foreign-born Hispanics, who tend to have lower household incomes and lower levels of educational attainment than native-born Hispanics. The remainder of this report includes an examination of changing family structures in the as well as detailed analyses of findings from the new Pew Research Center survey. Chapter 1 looks at the changing circumstances in which children are raised, drawing on demographic data, largely from government sources. This analysis highlights the extent to which parents’ changing marital and relationship status affects overall family makeup, and it also includes detailed breakdowns by key demographic characteristics such as race, education and household income. Chapters 2 through 5 explore findings from the new survey, with Chapter 2 focusing on parents’ assessments of the job they are doing raising their children and their families’ living circumstances. Chapter 3 looks at parenting values and philosophies. Chapter 4 examines child care arrangements and parents’ involvement in their children’s education. And Chapter 5 looks at extracurricular activities. Other key findings About six-in-ten 62% parents with infants or preschool-age children say that it’s hard to find child care in their community that is both affordable and high quality, and this is true across income groups. Most working parents with annual family incomes of $75,000 or higher 66% say their young children are cared for in day care centers or preschools, while those earning less than $30,000 rely more heavily on care by family members 57%. On average, parents say children should be at least 10 years old before they should be allowed to play in front of their house unsupervised while an adult is inside. Parents say children should be even older before they are allowed to stay home alone for about an hour 12 years old or to spend time at a public park unsupervised 14 years old. Roughly a third of parents 31% with children ages 6 to 17 say they have helped coach their child in a sport or athletic activity in the past year. Fathers 37% are more likely than mothers 27% to say they have done this. Nine-in-ten parents with children ages 6 to 17 say their kids watch TV, movies or videos on a typical day, and 79% say they play video games. Parents whose children get daily screen time are split about whether their children spend too much time on these activities 47% or about the right amount of time 50%. Eight-in-ten 81% parents with children younger than 6 say that their young children watch videos or play games on an electronic device on a daily basis. Roughly a third 32% of these parents say their kids spend too much time on these activities; 65% say the amount of time is about right. Throughout this report, references to college graduates or parents with a college degree comprise those with a bachelor’s degree or more. “Some college” refers to those with a two-year degree or those who attended college but did not obtain a degree. “High school” refers to those who have attained a high school diploma or its equivalent, such as a General Education Development GED certificate. Mentions of “school-age” children refer to those ages 6 to 17. “Teenagers” include children ages 13 to 17. References to white and black parents include only those who are non-Hispanic. Hispanics are of any race. Mentions of Millennials include those who were ages 18 to 34 at the time of the survey. Gen Xers are ages 35 to 50. Baby Boomers are ages 51 to 69. Tom Brady says his children face unique challenges because of their parents' fame. "There are a lot of expectations because of who their mom or their dad is," he told Brady has three children Jack, 15, Benjamin, 13, and Vivian, 10. Loading Something is loading. Thanks for signing up! Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. It's not easy having Tom Brady as a dad — according to Tom an interview with published on Thursday, the former NFL superstar spoke about the "unique challenges" his children face because of their parents' fame."Our children have unique challenges [that are] different from ones I had growing up," Brady told the outlet. "There are a lot of expectations because of who their mom or their dad is, and it's not necessarily fair to them because they didn't choose that."He has three kids 13-year-old Benjamin and 10-year-old Vivian with ex-wife and model Gisele Bündchen, and 15-year-old Jack with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan. Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen with their kids in 2019. Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images His children are "just normal kids," but "because of who our kids are [people say], 'You should be good at this' or 'You should look like that' but that's not the case," he said. "Everyone is an individual."However, Brady, who was the New England Patriots' quarterback before joining the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, has enjoyed watching his oldest son, Jack, play football."I'm very enthusiastic. Watching him play was so fun for me," Brady told Tom Brady with his son Jack in 2018. John Tlumacki/The Boston Globe via Getty Images This will be Brady's first summer of coparenting with Bündchen after their divorce was finalized in October 2022, following 13 years of marriage. Brady told People in a separate interview published Thursday that they're ready for the new normal. "I've got my little calendar right here," Brady their summer plans, he's taking the kids to Disneyland before they go to Brazil with their mom and then to Europe with their dad."They got lots of good plans," he said. "These kids have a really good summer lined up." Dear Amy I am in my mid-20s and have a great relationship with my parents. I live nearby and see them multiple times a week. They have a large social network of other married couples as friends, many of whom I’ve known since childhood, as they were the parents of my own friends, classmates, neighborhood kids, the past couple of years, I’ve started to feel uncomfortable around one of their male friends, “Biff.” He has never done or said anything specific, but I can’t help but just feel this … icky vibe when I’m around him. It’s little things, like just leaning in too close when he talks to me, holding eye contact too long, and “teasing” in a way that if it was coming from a man my age I would perceive as definite parents are planning a weekend vacation at the end of the summer at an Airbnb. They plan to invite several of their friend-couples, including this man and his wife. I really want to go, but I can’t shake this nagging feeling that I will be spending the weekend avoiding him and not wanting to wear a swimsuit in front of have absolutely no idea how to bring this up to my don’t have any quantifiable examples to give them or incidents to cite as to why he makes me feel this way, and they’ve been friends with this family so long that I’m honestly scared to bring it up and cause a rift or any kind of do you think I should do?— ConflictedConflicted You understand that your folks have the right to invite their friends to join them on their vacation. You also understand that if any of these people make you extremely uncomfortable, then you could either confront him or avoid contact by staying is vital that you listen to your own instincts, even if you lack specific evidence to point to. You should tell your folks that you’ve decided not to join them. If they ask you why, you should tell them, truthfully, that you are uncomfortable around “Biff,” and so you’ve decided to avoid parents might dismiss your concerns in some expected ways “Oh, he’s harmless; he does that to all the lovely ladies,” etc. You can then tell them that you think he’s a skeeve, and that you don’t feel like smiling while he close-talks, flirts and stares down your bikini that you don’t wish to control who they maintain friendships and choose to spend time with. Don’t ask them to disinvite this couple. Tell them you understand this is a long-standing friendship, but that this is your personal choice, based on your experiences and Amy I have a friend who has recently decided to take it upon himself to invite himself to certain social occasions. For example, he recently contacted me in the following situation “I understand you are having dinner with the Browns tomorrow. Do you mind if we join you?”In another instance, I invited him to join a group for lunch and he asked me to change the date. When I did not change the date, he asked me to change the time. This type of situation has come up several times with find this behavior to be presumptuous and rude. Am I being too thin skinned? How should I handle it?— Thin SkinnedThin Skinned When someone approaches you with an unreasonable request, it helps to keep in mind that anyone can ask anything, as long as they are prepared for an honest friend sounds higher-maintenance than most. Just as he can ask anything of you, so can you ask “Do you realize that you have a habit of tinkering with my well-laid plans?”Dear Amy I would like to offer a response to the recent retiree “Life Is Good” who wondered how to answer when people ask him what he does all years ago, I was given this wonderful reply, and would like to share it with him and anyone else who may find this helpful, and funny “I do nothing, but I do it in the morning so my afternoons are free.”It tends to leave the questioner either speechless or amused. Either one works for me.— MM Readers have supplied many genius responses to this question. This one’s a winner.© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency. March 11, 2021Stanford-led study highlights the importance of letting kids take the lead Research led by Stanford education professor Jelena Obradović finds that too much parental involvement when children are focused on an activity can undermine behavioral development. Parents today often look for teachable moments – and opportunities abound. When reading a book with a child, for example, it might mean discussing story plots with him. If she isn’t allowed to play a videogame, it means explaining why. Jelena Obradović Image credit Courtesy Graduate School of Education There’s good reason for this Research has shown that engaged parenting helps children build cognitive and emotional skills. Too much parental direction, however, can sometimes be counterproductive, according to a new study led by Jelena Obradović, an associate professor at Stanford Graduate School of Education, published March 11 in the Journal of Family Psychology. In the study, the researchers observed parents’ behavior when kindergarten-age children were actively engaged in playing, cleaning up toys, learning a new game and discussing a problem. The children of parents who more often stepped in to provide instructions, corrections or suggestions or to ask questions – despite the children being appropriately on task – displayed more difficulty regulating their behavior and emotions at other times. These children also performed worse on tasks that measured delayed gratification and other executive functions, skills associated with impulse control and the ability to shift between competing demands for their attention. Obradović and her co-authors found that the phenomenon occurs across the socioeconomic spectrum. “Parents have been conditioned to find ways to involve themselves, even when kids are on task and actively playing or doing what they’ve been asked to do,” said Obradović, who also directs the Stanford Project on Adaptation and Resilience in Kids SPARK. “But too much direct engagement can come at a cost to kids’ abilities to control their own attention, behavior and emotions. When parents let kids take the lead in their interactions, children practice self-regulation skills and build independence.” Obradović’s research, which introduces a far more granular measure of parental engagement than traditional methods, shines new light on how parents help and hinder their children’s development during the pivotal transition to elementary school. It also comes as today’s parents, increasingly derided as “helicopter” and “snowplow” caregivers, are spending more time with their kids than their own mothers and fathers did – even before the COVID-19 pandemic turned many parents into primary playmates and homeschoolers. A deeper dive into parent-child interactions Finding the right balance when engaging with children is especially important around kindergarten, said Obradović, whose research examines how caregiving environments contribute to child health, learning and well-being over time. The onset of elementary school is an especially challenging time when kids are expected to manage their attention, emotions and behaviors without parents’ direct help. “This is a really important shift, when parents have to learn to pull back,” she said. For their research, Obradović and her co-authors – Michael Sulik, a research scientist at SPARK, and Anne Shaffer, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Georgia – brought together a diverse group of 102 children ages 4 to 6 and their primary caregivers in a Stanford lab. For two and a half hours, the kids worked on a series of tasks that have been used by child development specialists for decades to measure self-regulation, as well as executive functions deemed either “cool” when emotions don’t matter or “hot” when emotions are high. The children also participated with their parents in structured activities requiring different degrees of adult interaction. In a novel approach, the scholars had each parent and child observed separately. Using video recordings, the interactions were broken down second by second and evaluated independently. This allowed Obradović and her team to identify subtle shifts in how parents engage with their children. During a 25-minute activity, for example, a mother might follow her son’s lead for 13 seconds, then withdraw for 5 seconds, then direct him for 35 seconds. Typically, when researchers study a given aspect of parenting, they assign a single rating for the entire interaction. But that approach can be biased by the researcher’s overall impression of the parent-child relationship. Most caregivers seem supportive and caring, said Obradović. “On average, you don’t see a lot of parents yelling at their kids or being intrusive or checking their phones,” she said. “But there is a lot of variability within those averages, and our goal was to discover more subtle differences among parents who are generally doing fine.” These moment-by-moment shifts in parental engagement matter. “These are subtle things, but the message that children are getting may not be so subtle,” Obradović said. Permission to take a break For their analysis, Obradović and her collaborators created a measure of what they call “parental over-engagement.” They noted the moments when a child was working independently or leading an activity, and they calculated the ratio between times when parents intervened in ways that were meant to be helpful not harsh or manipulative and times when parents followed the child’s lead. The researchers found a correlation between high levels of parent involvement when a child is focused on a task and children’s difficulties with self-regulation and other behaviors. This was most apparent for children’s “hot” executive functions. When a child was passively engaged, the researchers didn’t find any link between parental over-engagement and children’s self-regulation. According to Obradović, this suggests that there is no harm in parents stepping in when children are not actively on task. Obradović said the point of the study is not to criticize parents. “When we talk about parental over-engagement, we’re not saying it’s bad or obviously intrusive engagement,” she said. “There’s nothing wrong with suggesting ideas or giving tips to children.” But it’s important for parents to be aware that teachable moments have their place, she said. Helping a preschooler to complete a puzzle, for example, has been shown to support cognitive development and build independence. And guidance is important when children are not paying attention, violating rules or only half-heartedly engaging in an activity. Sometimes, however, kids just need to be left alone or allowed to be in charge. This message may be especially relevant during the pandemic, Obradović noted, when parents may wonder how much direct involvement their children need, especially with everybody balancing new obligations. “Have that honest conversation with yourself, especially if your kid is doing OK,” she said. “As stressful as this time is, try to find opportunities to let them take the lead.”

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